


Ancient Mesopotamian Laser Beams

by Nemesis Adrasteia (Phantom_Midge)



Category: The Epic of Gilgamesh
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anticlimactic Ending, Crack, Frickin' Sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-01
Updated: 2011-01-01
Packaged: 2019-04-18 07:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14208285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_Midge/pseuds/Nemesis%20Adrasteia
Summary: Gilgamesh obtains a laser gun to do battle with Ishtar. It's exactly as stupid as it sounds.





	Ancient Mesopotamian Laser Beams

**Author's Note:**

> This was one of my earliest attempts at "serious" fanfiction, or so I thought. In retrospect, it's not really that serious at all.
> 
> I don't like it very much anymore. Nevertheless, I've posted it here because I figure someone might get a kick out of it.

Ishtar's wrath is as fearsome as is to be expected, for she is a goddess, daughter of Anu. Ishtar's jealousy is like a fire that scorches the heavens with its ferocity; she _hates_ the wild man, Enkidu, for it is he who occupies Gilgamesh's attention - attention that _she_ rightfully deserves. She may try and try with all her considerable might to eliminate the accursed Enkidu, but he is swift as the beasts that raised him, and he slips through her fingers each and every time. Nevertheless, she continues her efforts. Enkidu cares not; he knows the goddess will never catch him. Gilgamesh, however, begins to tire of Ishtar's antics.

"I am in need of advice," says Uruk's king to his mother, the Wild Cow Ninsun, who is wise in all things. "Ishtar has become an annoyance to me. What am I to do?" 

Ninsun replies, "Ishtar cannot be stopped, but she can be discouraged. Confront her with a laser taken from the head of a Shark of Death, and she will surely back down."

Gilgamesh swims down to the darkest depths of the sea, where the elder gods slumber. He does battle with a Shark of Death and wrests its laser from atop its head. As he emerges from the water, triumphant, the one-third mortal king says, "Ishtar, face me now and we will settle our scores!"

Ishtar appears, saying, "I have no score to settle with you, Gilgamesh. It is Enkidu whose death I desire. Abandon him and be mine, and he will be subject to my wrath no more." 

"I will consider it," says Gilgamesh, and then he is silent. The silence does not last long. 

"I have considered it. My answer is no."

The laser strikes Ishtar with the force of ten thousand ordinary lasers, for it is taken from the head of a Shark of Death. Powerful though she may be, even Ishtar is no match for it. And so she takes her leave, at last realizing that there is no point in pursuing Gilgamesh as long as his affections belong to Enkidu. She will have to find some other man worthy of her.

Gilgamesh returns to Uruk-the-Sheepfold to celebrate his victory, unaware that his time with Enkidu is fleeting; soon to come to an end. 

Centuries will pass, empires will fall, and legends will be forgotten; such is the fate all mortals must accept. Only the gods, the sharks, and their laser guns are eternal.


End file.
